Tony Deyal | Wise words, cracks and tricks of the trades

When I reached 80, I was still laughing and joking. My colleagues and even a few neighbours were upset. They made jokes about my being over the hill. One said, “Tony boy, I know that you can still live without sex, but not without your glasses.”

Others added more wisecracks like, “Hey Tony, your happiness is a nap in the evening,” “Look at you now! You have more food in the fridge than beer!”, and one of the worst “baddie” colleagues said, “You and your teeth don’t sleep together, your wife as well, and your ears are hairier than your head.”

I would have liked to tell them what I would do with their heads if they continued, but that would have made it worse. I walked away but my language stayed behind. Ladies are different. Two of them sat on a bench, talking. One said to the other, “Good heavens! Who did your hair? It looks like a wig!” The second lady replied, “It is a wig.” The first lady quickly responded, “Really? You could never tell!”

In 2009, when I was just over 63 years, I got a Readers Digest book which included the great George Burns who said, “You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to be old.” Now, at 80+, I decided to read the Readers Digest again. The first thing I learnt is that older men are even more concerned about their ages, especially when dealing with young women. French actor Maurice Chevalier and US comedian Phil Silvers were chatting backstage one evening during a show when a group of lovely young women passed by. Chevalier sighed longingly. “Ah,” he remarked, “if only I were 20 years older.” His friend Silver asked, “Don’t you mean 20 years younger?” Chevalier replied, “No, if I were 20 years older, these girls would not bother me the way they do now!”

However, men and women are not on the same track. One woman in a TV show said, “When men get grey hair, they look distinguished. When women get grey hair, they look old.” A man heard and replied, “When women get breasts, they look sexy. When men get breasts, they look old.” One of the greats, the ageing actor John Barrymore, was asked by a young newspaper reporter whether acting still gave him as much pleasure as it had in his early career. He replied, “Young man. I am 75. At this age, nothing is as much fun as it used to be.” In my case, at 80+, I had already learnt from the great John Mortimer, British scriptwriter, who knew all about the trials and tribulations of growing old. He once said, and I can’t forget it especially now, ‘When you get to my age, life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory.”

So, what about me and my octogenarian colleagues? At our age, wise words offer profound, motivating insights, while our “wisecracks” are witty, humorous, or sarcastic remarks, often making light of people. Together, like me, they balance deep wisdom with comedic relief. As one expert says, “We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys.” That sounds good until you get some of the tougher jokes, and I wasn’t especially happy with these: “You’re on the floor cleaning or playing with the kids when the phone rings, and it’s just easier to crawl to the phone than to get up and walk there”; “Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes … but you’re barefoot.”; “You turn out the light for economic reasons instead of romantic ones.”; “A sexy babe catches your fancy, and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest to you.”; and “You’re young at heart, but a lot older in other places!”

Moreover, when it comes to older people, there are some serious mix ups as I know better than most. My wife and children have to constantly help, remind and pick up after me, and there’s a lot of good, humoured laughter. One of the worst problems is car keys. However, there are also a lot of folks, including me, who forget where we park the car. One woman caused mayhem when she drove for 15 miles on the wrong side of a major highway. According to an article in The Time, the woman became confused when confronted with a “new traffic configuration” on a roundabout. The police followed the lady for seven exits until they got her to a halt. Her reason was that there was nowhere to turn around. I actually did that a couple times in countries where they have their cars on the right instead of the left.

Fortunately for the lady (and even me), she was not as bad as Rodney Dangerfield, the American stand-up comedian. “It’s been a rough day,” he said. “I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button came off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.” Then he added, “I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.” Women see it differently. One of them paused in the middle of the street on a very blustery day, using both hands to hold on to her hat as a strong gust of wind blew her dress up around her waist. A dignified gentleman came up to her and said, “Ma’am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around your middle, positively indecent, while both hands hold your hat.” She replied, “Look, mister, everything down there is as old as I am. This hat is brand-new!”

However, I am sure that the “hill” will let me know when I’m over it. In other words we will be told, “Goodbye and Amen” (and, for the other group) “A-women.” At this age, we know that God has a sense of humour. A doctor died and went to heaven, where he found a long line at St Peter’s gate. As was his custom, the doctor rushed to the front, but St Peter told him to wait in line like everyone else. Muttering and looking at his watch, the doctor stood at the end of the line. Moments later, a white man, wearing a white coat, and carrying a stethoscope and a medical bag, rushed up to the front of the line, waved to St Peter, and was immediately admitted through the Pearly Gates. “Hey!” the doctor shouted, “how come you let him through and not me?” “Oh,” said St Peter, “that’s God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor.”

Tony Deyal heard a Jewish friend asking his Catholic neighbour, “What is the significance of not wearing shoes in the wake?” The Catholic lady replied, “My mom’s feet hurt.”