Gordon Robinson | Out with the old; in with the new

Some time ago you either bought or were gifted, probably by a spouse or parent, a different type of telephone.

It was shaped like a half oval. It wasn’t attached to the wall. It could fit in your pocket. All you had to do was flip it open, punch in a number and, voila, you were connected with whoever you needed to communicate.

Wow!

But, as time passed, you realized you needed more. Your phone didn’t inspire, inform or educate. All it did was call people and allow people to call you. Then, bright and early one Christmas Day, as you opened gifts, there appeared a new phone.

It looked and behaved like a magic rectangle. It did everything. It combined telephone and computer services. So, what did you do with the old phone? You threw it away because you couldn’t give it away. Nobody wanted it.

Similarly, eons ago, in a world starved of spiritual guidance, misogynistic old men felt divinely inspired to write articles and market them as God’s Word. For those of you playing with your phones at the back of the class, trust me, the Book of Ruth was NOT written by a woman. It was most likely (circa 1100 BC) the “Prophet” Samuel using a pseudonym. These men believed in fairy tales that included cartoon characters like talking snakes and burning bushes through which God (or Satan) spoke.

Biblical hero Moses was one of the worst offenders. I’m convinced Moses was an undiagnosed schizophrenic. Why? Just take a quick look at some of his fabled writings presented as reality starting with Genesis 3:1-4.

“Now the serpent was more subtil [subtle/cunning] than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he [N.B. the snake was male so more able to manipulate the simpleton woman than had he tried with Adam] said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die”

So Eve ate the apple. Then, because misery has loved company since the dawn of time, she seduced Adam to join her. All because she, probably as a projection of the novelist himself, heard voices in her head and attributed it to an innocent snake. Thus snakes, especially those residing in grass, were given a bad name.

But we know there’s no apple tree capable of being the source of original sin. After all, an apple a day…. It was more likely some other fruit. Or a combo. Personally I suspect it was a ripe cherry and a green pear!

Let’s not bother to scrutinize too closely how all mankind came from Adam and Eve who had three sons one of which murdered another. That should boggle even the minds of the most devout sheep. I suppose Adam and Eve copulated like mad and their offspring didn’t know that incest wasn’t best. Or, more likely, there were other people around. Where did they come from?

So Moses led a group of oppressed people fleeing from oppressors. On the way to the “Promised Land” he allegedly parted the Red Sea by waving his stick. But it’s far more likely that strong winds pushed back shallow waters and produced a temporary land bridge allowing the fleeing tribe to scurry across.

More evidence of Moses’ schizophrenia is his burning bush story ( Exodius 3). Just like his later trip up Mount Sinai, the feature of these divine revelations is Moses was alone when they appeared to him. The voices in Moses head (oops, sorry the angel of God and God in a burning bush) appointed Moses as leader of the children of Israel and ordained his mission to lead them out of Egypt. So he did.

Moses’ reports of his conversations with God are akin to a recent Truth Social Post by Donald Trump:

“I’ve known Jesus for a long time. He often says ‘Donald Trump, we are really close friends and my father is happy that you’re making America Great Again. It’s my favorite country!’ When he saved my ear from the bullet he whispered in my ear, the one that was saved, and said ‘the whole world owes you a debt of gratitude for being so Christian and having perfect morals’”

ROFL! If you believe THAT, you’ll believe anything including talking snakes; angelic burning bushes; and God has a “Chosen People”.

One last thing (said Lieutenant Colombo). There’s the story of how God gave Moses “Ten Commandments”. Three months into the trek from Egypt, upon reaching the Sinai Desert, Moses legs it up Mount Sinai (why?) where God again calls out to him “out of the mountain” ( Exodus 19:3). They had a long chat full of God’s instructions to be conveyed to the Israelites and culminating with God writing Ten “Commandments” on a Tablet of Stone with his own finger ( Exodus 31:18).

So Moses scampers back down to tell his People of God’s commands but when he’s asked to show the Tablet he says “Oops, sorry, it fell and broke on the way down” ( Exodus 15-19; plus a little literary licence). So he went up again to print a second set (using the “print on both sides” feature to save space).

Lookie here: Divinely inspired they might be but Commandments they were not! Only a compound idiot gives Free Will and then commands users how to exercise that Free Will. The truth Pastor doesn’t want you to know, because you might stop fearing God, is that they were promises. As Jesus later confirmed, all we need do is love God (within us) and love our neighbour (everyone) as we love ourselves to ensure we won’t (“shalt not”) do any of a list of bad deeds. Because we won’t want to do them! Because love is the root of all good!

These materialistic old men also believed God mandated slavery for conquered people; God’s word blessed polygamy favouring men who could have many wives AND concubines whilst women could only have one husband; adulteresses should be stoned to death but the men with whom they committed adultery were only to avoid coveting their neighbour’s wife. Their writings were collected and presented to the world as a Testament.

It worked for the narrow middle-eastern world for centuries mainly because it was what was available. Then, on the first Christmas morn, God’s gift, Jesus Christ, was born. His life and teachings were also recorded by biographers and analysts. Christ’s offerings, based on love rather than Old Testament fear, became a New Testament.

There’s one regrettable similarity for which Jesus can be excused namely both Testaments present God as a man. But God has no gender. God is everywhere and resides within all of us, man or woman. All are created in God’s image.

Since Joseph proved himself the world’s most gullible man when he swallowed Mary’s story that God visited her and impregnated her via the Holy Spirit, Mary no doubt ensured consistency by telling Jesus from birth that God was his biological father. In Mary’s defence, remember the legal penalty for adultery in those days….

This explains Jesus’ own belief that God was “Father” and therefore man. But God is just God.

Jesus often contradicted Old Testament dogma based on hatred of diversity and fear of God. Old Testament law repeatedly requiring “an eye for an eye” (Good ol’ Moses brainwashing again: Exodus 21:23-27; Leviticus 24:19-20; Deuteronomy 19:21) is contradicted by Jesus’ teaching of non-violence; turning the other cheek ( Matthew 5:38-39). Whilst Old Testament presents God as a vengeful Old Man sending fire and brimstone down on his children and punishing them with disease and damnation Jesus presents God as Love.

What should we do with the Old Testament now we’ve been gifted a New Testament? I know. Me, teacher! Like our old phone we should throw it away! So, this Christmas, celebrate Jesus’ birth by casting aside the Old Testament.

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com