My teenager is driving me nuts!

The teenage years are among the most difficult. Many parents do not understand how to deal with teenagers and their troublesome issues such as smoking, the Internet, friends, dressing and back talking. Here are some tips:

1.  Deal with yourself first. Many problems with teenagers could be better handled if parents dealt with their own issues. Many parents are burnt out, unhappy, overworked or depressed. Parents who are burnt out are irritable, snap easily and often end up in verbal clashes with their teenagers.
2.  Address family issues. Children are very sensitive to what's happening in the family. They are aware when parents are not getting along and know when the marriage is in crisis. They are affected by parental drug use and parental cheating. Many of the difficult behaviours displayed by teenagers are due to the turbulence at home.
3. Set clear rules and consequences. Here is an example: 'Mary must come home before 4 p.m. every day during the week and 8 p.m. on weekends. This will be in place for the next 12 months and will be monitored by her mother. Every day that Mary is late she will be grounded for the next week.'
4.  Speak in one voice. Parents should agree on the rules, consequences and who will monitor and enforce consequences. Parents should also speak with one voice and do not undermine each other's authority. Undermining occurs often in situations where there is marital conflict and parental separation. Teenagers will control and manipulate these situations.
5. Exit and wait. When a parent is angry or upset, do not enter into an extended outburst with your teenager. Exit and wait. Don't be tempted to say harsh words or criticisms that you will regret in the future. Exiting and waiting allows you to be in control of the situation. It also sends a message to the teenager that shouting and yelling will not allow him to have his way.
6.  Short and to the point. Avoid preaching and teaching. The mistakes that many parents make during confrontations with teenagers is to get into a teaching and preaching match. It gets you nowhere. Get to the point then exit and wait.
7.  Communicate using 'I Messages'. So you caught your child on the Internet at 2 a.m. Instead of attacking and shouting at him, state how you feel: "Robert, I am very disappointed that you are still on the Internet because you have schoolwork to do. I would prefer that you spend less time on the computer."
8.  Give positive responses. I often encourage parents to sometimes pause for a week or two and don't respond to the negative behaviours; respond only to positive behaviours.
9.  Love and hug. Find more time to hug your teenager and show affection. Sometimes this is enough to bring change in a troubled teen.
10.  Spend quality time with your teenager. Initially, the troubled teenager may resist but will become more cooperative when trust improves.

Dr Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and head, Section of Psychiatry, Dept. Of Community Health and Psychiatry, University of the West Indies, 977-1108; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.