Massia Bailey | Why connection matters for autistic children

Since autism is primarily a social-communication difference, parents and practitioners may have asked the question whether relationships are important to a child who prefers solitary activities, struggles with conversation, or interacts differently than their peers.

The answer emerging from decades of psychological and developmental research is both simple and profound: human beings need connection, and autistic children are no exception. Psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci, developers of Self-Determination Theory, have spent decades studying the conditions that help people flourish. Their research suggests that all people have three fundamental psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Relatedness, the subject of this article, refers to feeling connected to others, experiencing a sense of belonging, and knowing that one is valued and accepted.

The satisfaction of these basic psychological needs contributes to motivation, well-being, resilience, learning, and personal growth throughout the lifespan. While people express these needs differently, the need for connectedness appears to be universal. This includes autistic children, whose desire for belonging may be expressed in ways that differ from social expectations, but is no less important.

NEED CONNECTION

For many years, people believed that autistic individuals preferred isolation or lacked interest in social relationships. In the past, I often referred to that characteristic and stereotypical profile in my lectures. However, contemporary research paints a much more nuanced picture.

Longitudinal research studies show that autistic children, like their typical peers, seek connection. Although they may communicate and interact differently than non-autistic children, many autistic children pursue social relationships in ways that reflect their unique personalities, interests, and communication styles. Methods may be subtle, unconventional, or easily misunderstood. Some autistic children show friendship through shared interests rather than conversation. Others seek proximity to preferred peers, exchange information about favourite topics, offer practical help, or demonstrate loyalty and consistency in ways that others may not recognise.

The question is no longer whether autistic children need connection. Rather, it is how they can be supported in developing meaningful relationships while respecting their individuality and neurodivergent ways of being.

Every friendship depends on communication. However, communication is far more than spoken language. Communication includes gestures, facial expressions, body language, writing, typing, augmentative and alternative communication (AAC), shared activities, and countless other ways people connect.

Among other desired outcomes, communication in general allows children to express their wants, needs, and preferences, and share interests and experiences. These skills become increasingly important as children grow and relationships become more complex. Therefore, communication difficulties should not be viewed as residing solely within the autistic child. Researchers have increasingly discussed what is known as the “double empathy problem”, which suggests that misunderstandings often arise because autistic and non-autistic people communicate differently. Communication challenges are frequently the result of a mismatch between communication styles rather than a deficit within either individual.

STRENGTHS

Too often, conversations about autism focus primarily on challenges. Yet, autistic children frequently bring important strengths to their relationships that deserve recognition and appreciation. In their unique ways, many autistic children demonstrate honesty and authenticity, loyalty and dependability, deep commitment to friendships, a passion for shared interests, intense attention to detail, unique perspectives and creativity, and empathy expressed in ways that may differ from conventional social expectations.

These strengths can be leveraged as the foundation of meaningful and lasting relationships when peers and adults learn to recognise and value them.

Evidence-Based Approaches for Supporting Relationships

When adults help both autistic and non-autistic children understand one another, opportunities for genuine connection increase. Researchers and practitioners have identified several effective approaches for helping autistic children develop meaningful social connections. Two of the most well-supported are peer-mediated interactions and scaffolded adult guidance.

Peer programmes and similar initiatives use structured interactions between autistic and non-autistic peers to promote relationship development. Research suggests that peer-mediated programmes can support social participation, communication development, belonging, and positive peer relationships for all participants through coaching and modelling.

More than a play date, the most effective programmes are rooted in the children’s compatible expressed or observed interests and intentionally designed to foster mutual understanding, shared experiences, and authentic friendships. Rather than focusing on changing the autistic child, this approach helps both participants learn from one another while developing meaningful connections.

Curated activities may include projects like constructing a LEGO set together, making a video or music, playing games, or watching a favourite television show or movie. The key to this method is fully preparing each participant with the skills needed to navigate the interaction.

Adults can model communication strategies, facilitate problem-solving, coach perspective-taking, support emotional regulation, and help children work through misunderstandings. This can be achieved through social stories, role-playing, and video modelling. As children become more confident and capable, these supports are gradually reduced, allowing them to function more independently. This process, known as scaffolding, helps children develop the skills necessary to build and maintain relationships while preserving their autonomy and authentic communication styles.

CONNECTION AS PATHWAY

When autistic children experience meaningful relationships, the benefits extend well beyond social interaction. As parents, educators, and professionals, our goal should not be to make autistic children appear socially typical. Rather, it should be to create opportunities for genuine belonging, meaningful relationships, and authentic connection. When we move beyond teaching social skills, we cultivate something far more important for the autistic child: flourishing rooted in a sense of belonging and acceptance.

Massia Bailey, EdD is an applied learning scientist, special educator, and adjunct professor of education based in Florida. Send feedback to learninganddevelopmentdoctor@gmail.com